Family

Mom’s Butterfly

Backstory

In my family, my late mother’s “signature” is a butterfly. We believe it shows her presence among us – like when that beautiful creature flew past my mom’s great-granddaughter, just as she was saying her wedding vows. Here’s another story of her presence.

Mom’s Butterfly

I watched a beautiful butterfly the other day and felt that my mother was so close. She loved butterflies, especially Monarchs. I can’t help but feel her presence when I see one. Have you ever had that experience?

My mom meant so much to me that in traumatic situations, I can’t keep from talking to her, even though she is no longer here, and trying to hear what her advice would be.

One time, I received a call that my pregnant daughter had been rushed to the hospital. She and the baby were both in distress.

I had a six-hour drive to where she was. All during the drive I listened so hard to hear my mom. Why wasn’t I remembering what she would say to comfort me, guide me, help me along this painful drive?

I got to the hospital well after dark. As I ran to the lobby door, a Monarch butterfly flew by.

“Oh mom,” I cried, “all this time I was wanting you, you were already here, watching over your granddaughter and great-granddaughter.”

I looked again – but the beautiful butterfly was gone.

Then it occurred to me – When is the last time you’ve seen a butterfly at night? They’re not out at night.

But mothers are. Mothers are wherever you need them; whyever you cry out to them. They come on the wings of butterflies – or is it – on the wings of love.

P.S.

If anything was ever connected to magic moments, it is mothers. Leaving this world does not seem to change our connection with the one who gave us birth. Whether you hear yourself sounding like your mother, remember her fondly, or laugh out loud as you recall adventures together, your mom is yours, forever.

[Show #330]

Emotional planning

Backstory

New Year’s Eve. Will that be party time at your house? What’s it like when your family gets together? All sweetness and light? Or are there factors or people who may use the function to retread old grudges or regrets? Anyone who may tip the bottle a bit and present My Hyde instead of Dr. Jekyll?

If your family is not exactly The Brady Bunch, you may do well to have ideas for deescalating friction.

Emotional Planning

Planning a big party or event? Be sure to plan for the emotional aspects as carefully as you plan the menu. If you are the host, be sure not to spread yourself too thin. Set realistic limits, aim for comfort, not perfection. Don’t let yourself get over tired so that you get cranky.

With large groups, keep everyone active rather than sitting around waiting for an argument to erupt. Play games, get outside, throw a ball around. Everyone will be less sluggish, which will put them in a better mood.

Too much togetherness can be smothering. Get away now and then. Even if it is to close your eyes and lay down for five minutes.

Humor is also a great tool for reducing stress and bringing people closer. If things start to get tense, make a joke of it. Or recall amusing incidents that bring on smiles. People won’t remember what was on your menu, but they will remember how you made them feel.

P.S. As the year draws to a close, there is so much to ponder. Our world has been changing under our feet, ready or not. It’s been easy, this year, to get lost and confused. At this time, remember how many times you showed courage in the last year. How often you went out of your way for others. Count your good steps, take credit for them and go forward doing the best you can, in your own little world. It’s what’s expected of you. Happy New Year.

[Show #170]

Family Dinner Chats

Backstory

On Thursday, your family may have more dinnertime interaction than any other time of the year. Thanksgiving will be repeated and enjoyed. So many blessings, even in such a chaotic world. Gratitude will be expressed – hopefully all around the table.

What are the discussions at the dinner table when it’s not a holiday? Could they use a pick-me-up?

Family Dinner Chats

If you are a family that comes together at dinner time, you are creating a wonderful forum for thought sharing. What do you discuss over dinner? Same old stuff?

You may want to think about some provocative questions to ask. See what’s really on the minds of your kids, or the other adults in your home, and see how they view things.

What if you asked mature adults, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” How would you answer that question? Or ask family members, “What do you see when you look out our front window?” You may be amazed at the array of responses from people who are looking at exactly the same thing.

Ask what your family members notice first when they meet a man or woman. Ok, so there may be grounds for some fun too.

Keep your mealtime interesting and imaginative. It could become your favorite time of day.

P.S. My most memorable Thanksgiving was the year that my husband, my mom and I attended service at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC. On the way back to our car, we noticed a lot of activity at another door. We found out that Thanksgiving dinner was being served – to anyone who came to the door.

Lots of people had come – and there were not enough volunteers to serve. Ken and I spent the afternoon shlepping turkey and trimmings. My mom was a natural in the role of self-appointed hostess, greeting and seating, chatting and generating smiles and laughter. Our most tiring, most joyful Thanksgiving was spent in the company of strangers gathered together to share. May your Thanksgiving bring you joy too.

[Show #166]

The Panini Generation

Backstory

An aging population and a generation of young adults struggling to achieve financial independence are putting middle-aged Americans smack in the middle. Nearly half (47%) of adults in their 40s and 50s have a parent aged 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (age 18 or older). A stressful situation lightened up by a beloved cartoonist.

The Panini Generation

There’s a book out that takes a humorous look at the struggle of the sandwich generation – middle aged people charged with caring for aging parents – and one or more adult children who have returned to the nest.

You may remember the cartoon Cathy. It was a mainstay in American entertainment for 34 years. In 2010, cartoon creator Cathy Guisewite (Guyz’white) retired, to focus on caring for her family. Now she mines the life she spent sandwiched between aging parents and an adult daughter, all of whom needed her.

Guisewite’s new book is titled, “Fifty Things That Aren’t My Fault: Essays From the Grown-Up Years” The amusing, self-deprecating observations that were in the Cathy cartoon are now applied to life in transition.

The author says the ‘panini generation’s days are completely different from what they expected at this time. Facing responsibility from both sides, trying to be a loving guide, yet still making time to have a life and take some selfies.

Guiswite confesses in her book that “the job of letting go and hanging on is wrenching.” She hopes that her essays can bring a beam of humor and understanding to an otherwise potentially depressing situation.

Good to have Cathy back in the game.

P.S.

New study reveals multigenerational living nearly quadrupled in the past decade, with the pandemic playing a strong role. https://www.gu.org/app/uploads/2021/04/21-MG-Family-Report-WEB.pdf

[Show #657]

The Mason Jar of Buttons

Backstory

Loving children seek ways to communicate with elderly parents, even when Alzheimer’s blurs memories, steals words and causes confusion. Each encounter is a challenge, as the disease progresses. Listeners sometimes share their stories, as Amy did.

The Mason Jar of Buttons

Spending time with my mother has always been special. Now that she is slowly slipping away to dementia, it is even more important. Mom has trouble focusing and remembering. So I look for things that will engage her. This day, I was thinking about buttons.

In the depression years, women wasted nothing. When a shirt or dress was too worn to wear, it was cut into pieces to make rag rugs, and the buttons were saved to reuse. Living in that time, my grandmother kept her buttons in a mason jar.

Decades ago, my mother had given it to me.

That simple mason jar had traveled with me from house to house, unopened, chuck full of buttons. Why did I keep them? I knew I would never use them… but I cherished them as part of my mother’s history.

As I dumped all those buttons into a bowl in front of her, a huge smile lit up my mother’s face. Running her fingers through them, she chattered on about what those buttons said to her. What kind of clothing they were on, who would have worn them and when. As she did, my heart swelled that I could bring her this measure of contentment.

How inclined we are to discard things from our past. If I had tossed that jar, unopened for two decades, I would never have seen my mother’s smile of recognition – at the mason jar full of buttons.

Thank you for letting me share this with you. Somehow, I knew you would understand.

P.S.

Speaking from inside Alzheimer’s –

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

– Excerpt from a poem by Owen Darnell

[Show #634]

You’re Not the Boss of Me

Backstory

You’ve heard it. “70 is the new 60.” Some days, you don’t feel like it, but most of the time, it’s true. We’re living longer at a better pace. Our future in retirement may include cruises, studies, valuable volunteer work, even starting a new business. And yet, aging occurs, each and every day. How should sons and daughters react?

You’re Not the Boss of Me

I am surrounded by folks in retirement who have decided to enjoy their remaining years complete with all their elderly foibles. Here’s a message to all their sons and daughters and grandkids who may think them a bit strange.

On their behalf I ask: Whose business is it if I chose to read, or play on the computer until 4 am, or sleep until noon? I will dance by myself to Golden Oldies, and if I wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I know I am sometimes forgetful, but some of life is just as well forgotten. And eventually I remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken, but I won’t dwell on it. I am blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn grey. So many of my friends have been lost before the silver could take hold.

You know, youngsters, as you get older it’s easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. You allow yourself the right to please yourself. I don’t constantly question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I’m not going to live forever; but while I’m still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.

And I’ll be thankful, very thankful, every single day.

P.S.

So much more to this discussion – saved for another day.

[Show #522]