Listening

Do Not Promise

Backstory

Over time, as maturity took hold, I learned to step back and take a moment before responding to a statement or question. So much wiser to consider the reaction to my response rather than blurting out something I’d regret. What trouble I could have avoided by learning that earlier.

Do Not Promise

Don’t promise when you’re happy, reply when you are angry or decide when you are sad. What wise guidelines to keep us out of trouble.

#1 – Don’t promise when you’re happy.

Doesn’t mean you have to wait until you’re sad, of course. It’s just that you don’t want the euphoria of your son’s graduation from high school to lure you into promising him a new car, if you can’t afford it – or he does not deserve it.

Wait until emotions have returned to normal, and then decide.

#2 – Don’t reply when you are angry.

How many of us suffer for years over words spoken in anger. Once said, you cannot take them back. They’re more permanent than Egyptian hieroglyphics on a tomb.

Words can stay with you for a lifetime; especially angry words. Calm down first. Then create quiet time to continue the conversation and reply.

#3 – Never decide when you’re sad.

Moving away because someone broke your heart; quitting your job because of a run-in, choosing a new dress when you’re in no mood to shop – very different levels of importance but the rules apply to them all.

Don’t promise when you’re happy,
Reply when you are angry
Or decide when you are sad.

You’ll have much better outcomes if you follow those wise rules.

P.S. I’ve found that lists are a good resource in making decisions. A list of those things that are positive about the decision and those that are negative. Which list is longer? Which has more priority? Which things do you enjoy or prefer to do? What things must you do? Review the lists, honestly and factually, and the decision may evolve on its own.

[Show #521]

Family Dinner Chats

Backstory

On Thursday, your family may have more dinnertime interaction than any other time of the year. Thanksgiving will be repeated and enjoyed. So many blessings, even in such a chaotic world. Gratitude will be expressed – hopefully all around the table.

What are the discussions at the dinner table when it’s not a holiday? Could they use a pick-me-up?

Family Dinner Chats

If you are a family that comes together at dinner time, you are creating a wonderful forum for thought sharing. What do you discuss over dinner? Same old stuff?

You may want to think about some provocative questions to ask. See what’s really on the minds of your kids, or the other adults in your home, and see how they view things.

What if you asked mature adults, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” How would you answer that question? Or ask family members, “What do you see when you look out our front window?” You may be amazed at the array of responses from people who are looking at exactly the same thing.

Ask what your family members notice first when they meet a man or woman. Ok, so there may be grounds for some fun too.

Keep your mealtime interesting and imaginative. It could become your favorite time of day.

P.S. My most memorable Thanksgiving was the year that my husband, my mom and I attended service at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC. On the way back to our car, we noticed a lot of activity at another door. We found out that Thanksgiving dinner was being served – to anyone who came to the door.

Lots of people had come – and there were not enough volunteers to serve. Ken and I spent the afternoon shlepping turkey and trimmings. My mom was a natural in the role of self-appointed hostess, greeting and seating, chatting and generating smiles and laughter. Our most tiring, most joyful Thanksgiving was spent in the company of strangers gathered together to share. May your Thanksgiving bring you joy too.

[Show #166]

Did Dad Like Me?

Backstory

My dad seemed to have trouble defining his roles as father and head of the house. He shifted gears a lot. The inconsistency led to blunders on both our parts. Communication was infrequent and stifled. But when we connected, it was special.

Did Dad Like Me?

I thought my dad didn’t like me much. My mom was always enthralled by my stories of what happened in school or what my friends were wearing or doing. My dad – well, he’d fall asleep while I prattled on about my day.

He would come home in work clothes dirtied from his labor. He was a welder and that was not white collar work. He would take a shower, have dinner and lay down on the couch and before I could talk to him, he’d be asleep. Seemed there was no time for me.

It was years before I realized, he napped because he was exhausted.

He did hard physical labor every day and his body needed rest, not the chattering of a nine year old consumed with her own world.

But when I did have his attention, it was heaven. I remember being with him on a fishing boat he had won in a raffle. Singing with him as he drove the blue Hudson to the mountains for family picnics in the summer.

Having him stand up for me when I was bullied.

I remember a tearful session where I accused him of never being satisfied with my accomplishments. An A minus was reproached. It could have been an A. He was shocked to hear that I felt unappreciated. He told me how he bragged about my accomplishments. Told friends and relatives how proud he was of me.

But Dad, you forgot to tell ME.

P.S.

It all comes down to communication. Make room for it, dads. Phones down, voices up. Let’s talk about it. Happy Father’s Day.

[#356]

After the Mourning

Backstory

When things finally calm down and we can interact, the time will come when you are together with a friend or relative who has recently lost a loved one. It may be the time for words of comfort and encouragement. Or perhaps this is the time for less advice and more listening, with your heart.

After the Mourning

It was a difficult time. The mourning was over and it was time to move on. Yet it was hard. Everything was changed now; nothing felt comfortable. What to do? Where to go?

Friends and relatives who gathered around her had now returned to their lives and loved ones. They had left so much advice, so much confusion. After so many years of contentment and reliability, she was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other.

One evening, a friend arrived bearing a basket. “Oh no,” she thought, “I just cannot face another batch of homemade brownies or muffins that are supposed to mysteriously cheer me up.”

But no, the basket was filled with candles; new and used candles in every shape and size. Dozens of them. At her friend’s insistence, they set the candles out and started lighting them. One . . . a dozen . . . twenty . . . more. The whole room sparkled as their light grew brighter and deeper.

Suddenly she got it! No words were needed. She smiled at her friend over the candles’ warm glow; for she remembered the choice she had before, when things were different, she had now, and she would always have – To curse the darkness or light candles to lead the way.

Sometimes friends step in just in time.

P.S.

Loneliness also set in while we were sheltering in place. There may be some adjusting required to get back in your groove, once you introduce people and activities back into your life. More likely, you’ll find a new groove.

[Show #05]

Children Listen

Backstory – Children Listen

I over-heard a scolding being given to a couple of early school students. I could see their eyes glazing over as they heard what I could tell were the same messages that had been delivered often before. It was going right over their heads. I wondered what the scolder expected to accomplish with her tirade. As I considered that “there ought to be a better way,” this story developed.

Children Listen

Children! They are something! Do they ever listen? You repeat the rules over and over every single day and the kids just don’t seem to be tuned in. The door is slammed . . . the clothes are thrown . . . their room is always a mess.

Is there some precious day when this will all change? When suddenly, they will pay attention? Will there be a blessed day when you can stop hearing yourself repeat for the hundredth time?

It’s a universal fact; children are not good at listening. But they are VERY good at imitating. When they see adults smoke . . . or curse . . . or complain, they are learning far more than they do from repeated scolding.

They will indeed do what you do, not what you say. Children listen and watch more than you realize.

When they see parents interact with love, and treat each other with respect, it is creating a pattern they will try to imitate when it’s time. The parents who model impatience, yelling and hurt are also setting models that will be followed.

We want the very best for our children. That’s often why the teachings are repeated over and over. But maybe, just maybe, it’s more important to SHOW them, than to tell them. Those are the lessons that stick.

Be sure that what they learn when they watch you live your life will lead to imitation of a positive kind.

P.S.

Be kind. That’s a trending concept. My great grandson has bought into it. At 11 years old, he finds many ways, each day, to practice kindness. We talk about it in a private session, because he does not go around bragging about being kind. And when we do, we often find new evidence of empathy. Sometimes he even points out something I said or did that was kind. But if this is one generation teaching the other, he is absolutely the Sensei and I the pupil.

[Show #337]