Podcast: Download
Backstory – I Bought Gifts
This story first aired in 2014, before we had a website and blog. It brought more comments than any previous story. Seems I was not the only one with this experience. Feel free to write your comments, after listening to what happened when I gave gifts to the children.
Consider This Show – I Bought Gifts
Click to listen or follow below to read.
I bought gifts for some children who were coming to visit. The kids were 5 years old, 8 and 13. The gifts totally bombed out. The kids were disappointed with them.
I had so enjoyed picking them out and making sure they were age-appropriate. And they were rejected with hardly a parent-induced, murmured “thanks.”
Who went wrong? Them or me?
Was it too much to expect a polite response from kids this age, even if they were not thrilled with the gift? Or am I placing MY expectations on THEM?
I can remember receiving presents as a kid; some bummers and some keepers. I hope I was gracious in my acceptance of both kinds. But was I?
And if I gushed over some out-of-style or mundane gift, was I being hypocritical? Was it more honest to show without a doubt that the gift was unwelcome?
Do the parents have a responsibility to instill in their kids the social concepts of civility and appreciation? Or do I just shrug, chalk it up to my bad and give the kids money next time, so they can go and buy something they’d like.
One thing for sure; I won’t be choosing any more gifts for these kids. Not because I’m mad at them, just because I am now assured that I have no concept of their preferences and desires.
Too bad. I really enjoyed shopping for those gifts.
[Show #528]
Oh my, what a disappointment that must have been. I know I’m old fashioned, but I do think parents have a responsibility to teach children rudimentary manners, and that should include teaching them how to be gracious in the face of their own disappointment. If they can’t get enthusiastic about the gift itself, they can at least be enthusiastic about the thoughtfulness and effort of the gift giver. The ability to do this is, of course, somewhat age-dependent. I wouldn’t have expected the five-year-old to handle it as tactfully as the older children.
Having said all that, though, my husband still smiles at the misguided efforts of an aunt who always visited with gifts that were so off-base it became the joke to guess what she would bring — clothes that didn’t fit, toys that were for a much younger child, or —her most common gift—a bunch of grapes. So sometimes good intentions just aren’t enough, as much as we wish they were.
It really is a conundrum, Elizabeth. We have received dozens of comments about this show since it was first broadcast, two years ago. The most insightful may be the following comment from Regina.
I’ve learned over the years that it is just best to give money. At first I hated doing this because it felt like I was being lazy or I feared the receiver or their parents would think I didn’t care enough to put forth the effort to buy the perfect gift.
However think of it from a kids point of view. They just got $20.00. They finally get to made a decision and choose anything they want to buy. it’s almost like winnning the lotto. They also get practice making decisions, weighing pros and cons, figuring out a plan to get to the store. Or maybe they get excitement from adding more money to their bank account and watching their savings grow. The freedom and joy of getting a choice (because as a kid you don’t get to make too many choices) is awesome and shouldn’t be underestimated.
Personally, I feel horrible when loved ones go out and spend so much time and money buying me gifts that I don’t care for. What do I do with them? I would love to hold onto them so the next time they come over they can see me using it, but my place is so small I don’t have space to do this. So I give the gifts to charity so someone else can use them and go to bed feeling really guilty. So instead of getting joy from the gift I get feelings of guilt, especiallly because I know my love ones are on a tight budget and really care and would be so hurt to find out I just discarded their present. Giving away their gift makes me feel so bad. Maybe giving cash isn’t so shallow after all. When I do get cash I feel like I won the lotto and can finally splurge on that little thing i’ve I’ve wanted for a few months now, but never seem to have the extra cash to buy. Then once I buy it, I go to bed happy. I love sending a photo to the gift giver showing them what I got and how much I enjoy it and how I think of them each time I use it.
Again you demonstrate your good judgment and maturity, Regina. What a wonderful attitude – and I love the touch you add at the end of your comments. Great idea to send a photo showing what you purchased with the money sent.
Bill and I are facing the issue right now having just been married. We need absolutely no wedding gifts. As a matter of fact, I suggested that anyone who comes to visit has to take home a gift from what we should downsize.
Through it all, it’s the thought that counts. But a creative approach can increase the value of the gift tremendously. Thanks, Regina.
Good afternoon Annette and Bill. I remember this one Annette . A week ago I gave a little gift to a little girl who is celebrating her adoption day. Before that I had given both children a wooden box of pick up sticks. This morning in church the seven-year-old and a six-year-old each came up to me with a special drawing that they had done and note of thanks. The six-year-old is also in second grade with a seven-year-old sister he skipped a grade. He is so smart! His thank you note was actually done in cursive and much better than I could ever have done! What a joy to receive these primitive little drawling’s and see their childish hand written thanks! Blessings and hugs to you both, Cathie
Just the kind of response we all hope for, Cathie. I’ll bet the notes wound up on your refrigerator door! Thanks for sharing.
Money is the easy answer, I understand but when years go by, these children will still see the visit to that person’s house a a chance to get money they will squander on something their parents did not want to spend money on (probably because it was mundane or silly or cheaply made) I would much rather have my children learn to recognize the value in the sincerity instead of the gift. Have it be treasured for the thought that was behind it. For example, we were in Florida for my son’s 9th birthday because we were racing motorcycles there. My husband’s aunt threw an inpromtu party for my son complete with cake, balloons, and neighbors! He received dollar store gifts and even a wrapped used coffee mug with packages of cocoa mix. Honestly, that mug was his favorite thing despite the presents I bought and wrapped in the back of the car. It meant more that complete strangers reached out to recognize him. Those children need to learn that sometimes a gift is from the heart, not the store.
Your points are well made, Coffee Drinker.
One of my Consider This shows is about the woman-size shoulder bag that I received from an aunt when I was about 9 years old. Artificial green leather, cheaply made. But it was the FIRST TIME that anyone RECOGNIZED how I was growing up and therefore gave me an adult-size gift. Fact that it hung down to my knees did not matter. It was her recognition of my maturity that made the gift special. So “I get it.”
The issue remains a conundrum!
My friend, imo K. Todd wanted to post the following comment. I am doing so on her behalf.
Like you, I truly enjoy buying gifts for the younger set. There’s something about the wrapping paper or gift bag, tissue, choosing their card, writing the sentiment, congrats, or whatever, etc..
Now I wonder, was all the ‘wrapping’ fuss about the recipient? Or perhaps just me?
If the younger generation does not appreciate our fine labor of love, then why bother?
I will never allow my gift presentation to be less than my best efforts. Maybe it’s not appreciated now, but at some point in time, my festively-wrapped will be remembered…and appreciated. imo K Todd