friendship

My Friend Is Dying

Backstory

I read somewhere that part of the privilege of being human is getting a moment when we can say goodbye.

How would you react if a friend shared with you that her death was imminent? What would you say or feel? What kind of support would you offer and then provide? That’s what I had to figure out.

My Friend Is Dying

We had worked together, years and years ago. When I left our mutual employment, we maintained the friendship from a distance. We’d catch up, a couple of times a year and it was like we had talked just the day before.

So her call today was most welcome. But her voice, somehow, was different. Just as joyful, but somehow serious as well. “I am dying,” she told me. Matter of fact, straight forward. No embellishment. A simple statement.

I knew she was battling one of those unfair and deadly diseases. But they had kept it at bay; until now.

“I’m not afraid,” she told me. I’ve done right during my life, I know the Lord, and I am ready.” She was headed to hospice.

My first thought was that I had to go and see her. Then I thought better of it.

We had not been in the same room together in 32 years. I had an image of this tiny, exuberant blonde lady with beautiful blue eyes. The right direction now was to let us both keep our images of our young and eager selves.

There are lots more phone calls. They get more difficult as the days roll by.

She has less stamina and coherence.

But here we are together, keeping our friendship fresh and bright, right to the last day. On one phone call, when we say goodbye, it will be goodbye for good.

P.S. And that was that. We laughed on our phone calls and shared heartfelt imaginary embraces. The inevitable was seldom mentioned No need for discussion on that. The purpose of our calls was to relive good days and repeat the mantra of gratitude for having had each other in our lives.

[Show #649]

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

Backstory

This story has been a favorite with listeners and readers since it first appeared in 2009. We repost once a year.

The story came to mind when I was thinking about the most influential people in my long, eventful life. Some for a monumental moment or two and some, never willing to part with. See who comes to mind when you Consider This.

A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, and to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.

Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.

And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

P.S. Who came to mind as you followed this story? Were you gratified when the time with them was up? Is the memory still vivid, even though so long ago? Would you change anything about your time together? Has it inspired a comment or two to share – or a whole story? I’m listening attentively, with a smile.

[Show #456]

Friends With Quirks

Backstory

Who is on your guest list for your July 4 picnic? Relatives? Friends? Strangers? Do any of them have odd habits? In today’s cancel culture, it seems that any detour off the path of normalcy could get you wiped out. I started thinking about it, and this is what I came up with.

Friends with Quirks

We have some friends with funny quirks. They do things that irritate or with which we do not agree. They may not have the same political beliefs that we do. Sometimes we wonder if we should jettison these friends with their quirks.

Now understand that I am a big believer in throwing away people who are negative in your life. Don’t keep them around! They will only pull you down. But friends with quirks . . . that’s different.

As I was analyzing their worth, quirks and all, something else occurred to me. I have quirks too – habits that may drive them crazy; beliefs they may question. Do you realize that right now they may be discussing ME and the weird quirks I have? They may be deciding whether to jettison me.

Hmm. Maybe this is worth a second consideration. I love these folks, quirks and warts and all, and I hope they love me, imperfect as I am. It took us a long time to find each other and truly see into the soul of each other. Each of us knows the other will never be perfect.

We’d better treasure what we can, put up with the rest, and consider ourselves very fortunate to have such good friends who put up with us too, quirks and warts and all.

P.S. How generous are you in forgiving quirks? Would you ever call out a friend or relative about their odd habit? Would you appreciate their pointing to yours?

[Show #484]

Friendship

Backstory

Friendship is a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships. What is the secret to enduring friendship?

Friendship

C.S. Lewis had an interesting take on friendship. He said, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value. Rather, it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

As the years go by, friendships grow in the value they give to survival. The family affiliations that require your time and attention may dwindle as children grow and move away. But friends remain, and today’s technology allows a lot of connection no matter how far away they are.

I’ve tried to analyze the many friendships I enjoy. What attracted me to one person and not another? What created the glue that kept us in touch over decades or lifetimes? It was interesting to see my friends through the prisms of a new partner in my life. As he met my friends for the first time, they took to him, and he to them, just as I did.

Are we all clones of each other? In some ways, yes. In other ways, we are as different as night and day. Yet we found a reason to reach out to each other and hang on over time. Sometimes it’s better not to try to analyze it but just enjoy it.

But I do think Mr. Lewis was right. Friendship is one of those things that gives value to survival.

P.S. Maintaining lifelong friendships provides deep fulfillment and meaning. To ensure that those bonds don’t fade over time, be ready to invest time, cultivate trust and honesty, and work through disagreements when they arise. Well worth the effort.

Show #326

The People Who Count

Backstory

This story came from the once-in-a-lifetime experience of having a surprise birthday party with lots of friends there, from across a lifetime. It got me thinking about how many of them have had a special place in my heart for so long. Perhaps you will recognize yourself among them.

The People Who Count

I was just thinking, yet again, about the folks who planned and attended my surprise birthday party. There were more than 60 in the room. I wanted to introduce each person to everyone else and explain why they were so special.

There was someone I wrote poetry with and we were published. . . Young ‘uns I’ve watched grow up. . . The couple who carried propane to our farmhouse in the dead of winter.

There was the person who corrects my errors. . . And the ones I turn to for digital advice. . . The couple who provided us lodging in Florida. . . And my role model for how to run a country home in Virginia. There were people with whom I had visited foreign lands and RV camping buddies.

There were new friends and old friends; fellow Canasta players and poker players. A family that welcomed me even though I turned their brother’s life upside down, after he spent 60 years as a bachelor. I saw the person who was with me on the worse day of my life. . . And dozens who have been with me on joyful days or were the cause of joyful days.

It makes me think about all the people with whom YOU have shared joy, or grief or those who were there when you were lost. When you think of those you love or admire, how they inspired you or moved you or were simply there for you – make sure they know. It will delight them, to hear what they have meant to you. Be sure they know.

P.S. My friend Elizabeth Cottrell https://www.heartspoken.com/ is an inspiring advocate of handwritten notes that comfort, encourage and send love. Imagine the pleasure of someone special to you receiving a note expressing appreciation of an act, service or advice that meant a lot to you. Especially one provided years ago that helped you grow or conquer. Send that note today. See Elizabeth’s Facebook group – “The Art of the Heartspoken Word.”

[Show #605]

She Hurt My Feelings

Backstory

A long-time friendship is precious. It can also be fragile – sometimes when least expected. What happens next can be game-changing. That was the case here.

She Hurt My Feelings

I don’t think she meant it that way, but what my friend said really hurt my feelings. There might have been an inkling of truth to it, but it hurt to hear it out loud. I’m trying to decide what to do about it.

Should I get back at her by saying something that would hurt her feelings too? Shall I try to find an excuse and apologize to myself for her? Shall I stay mad, end the friendship, never speak to her again?

Or might I examine what she said, remembering that it is nothing but data. It is input given by another. I have every right to consider it, accept it, reject it, rework it; whatever I want. I find that giving myself two or three days greatly improves the quality of making this kind of important decision.

Well, it’s now three days later and I have made my decision. I have decided to accept the bit of truth in her statement. I accept it as data and will consider it along with other data. In the meantime, I acknowledge our deep and valuable friendship. I decided that getting mad would be a waste of time for us both.

She’s still my friend and always will be. That’s what counts most. I think I made the right decision.

P.S.

During the trying times of the pandemic, families were stuck together. The rules kept changing along with the warnings. If you made any errors of judgment that need repentance, now’s the time to clear things up. Be kind.

[Show #227]