Backstory
Do you ever feel an emotion bubble up unexpectedly in response to certain words or situations? Here’s one that I recognized.
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Trigger Words – #460
Did you ever notice that there are “trigger words” that make people angry?
A Wall Street Journal study shows that the word “never” generally elicits a bad reaction. Think about it. Have you heard the word “never” used in a positive way? The word “always” also elicits a negative reaction.
These words are absolutes and they generally don’t work well. Especially when giving feedback. I have a rule for not using, “never” or “always” in an argument. My reason is because either word is rarely the truth.
When you accuse the other person of always doing this, or never doing that, you’re conjuring up all the negatives they have ever committed, rather than dealing with the issue at hand.
A controversial trigger these days is the “compliment sandwich.” Someone wants you to improve, so they give you a compliment, throw in a criticism and end with another compliment. Many swear by the “compliment sandwich.” Others say that people see right through it and consider the compliments insincere.
As one critic wrote, “There are plenty of ways of politely discussing a problem that won’t involve insults and eye rolling. But don’t waste my time with half-hearted niceties that disguise your true concern.”
So now that you know the words that trigger anger, or suggest insincerity be sure you “never” ever use them again.
P.S.
OK, maybe my ending was not too subtle – using the word I promised not to. But that IS the message. How often do we have an intention that’s not met with our action? Good exercise to consider the words or happenings that trigger your negative responses and practice a more reasonable response. Yes, it can be done. Especially if it will make things better for someone you love.
[Show #460]
Whatever happened to the adage about “Sticks and stones——?”
One definition of truth is “justified belief”. To me that means something I believe and can “back up”, perhaps with demonstrable facts. As for using the word “never”, we should NEVER be afraid of or offended by the truth. It might be said that reason doesn’t work without truth and that “Reason flies where anger lies”.
Good manners must NEVER be confused with moral behavior. Good manners depend on culture, morals are a little less flexible.
Truth so successfully avoids discovery in our current culture. Justifiable belief you say. Both sides are convinced they have it. Ah, but can they back it up with demonstrable facts? Each side claims documents, tapes, emails, testimony and ancient tables that prove their side is the truth. Of course the other side has an equal amount of indisputable evidence. Hence we go forth, individually guided, as you said, by the tunnel-visioned morals we have learned or were taught. Next question – What next?
What a great reminder. Yes, there are certainly trigger words, even in my most cherished relationships. And I while I love the idea of a “compliment sandwich,” I agree that transparency combined with kindness is usually a good formula for communication
Discretion is your hallmark, Elizabeth.